Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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