Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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