Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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