i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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