im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
