I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
