I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
