Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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