His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
