New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
