wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
