Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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