I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
