sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
