Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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