Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
