But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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