ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
