Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
