Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
