puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
