i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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