I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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