I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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