why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
