then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
