did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
