This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
