if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
