I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
