Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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