Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
