and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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