just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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