thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
