This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
