Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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