it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
