he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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