When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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