You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Your cock deserves a montage
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
