Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
