So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
