Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
