Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
