Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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