So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize