my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
