Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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