I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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