True but thats because hes a fetus.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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