No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
