no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
