OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
