I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
