You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
