I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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