I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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